We know you shouldn’t judge a book by its cover, nor should we judge a Congressman by his official government portrait. Georgia’s Jody Hice looks like a nice enough guy. The soft jowls, the non-threatening middle-aged white guy hair, the satisfied smile that suggests he just ate a satisfying sandwich topped with plenty of Miracle Whip.

He looks like someone you’d want to be neighbors with, and maybe you’d even loan him some of your patio furniture. I mean… you might. But I certainly wouldn’t. Seeing as I’m gay and believe women are equal to men, and seeing as Jody Hice very well could be a red-hot racist, homophobe and misogynist who hides behind the shield of false religious devotion, he’d probably be more likely to set my patio furniture on fire, throw it through my front window, and then convince his neighbors when he did it, he was possessed by the Holy Spirit.

It was a little article I was reading in Politico that led me to the name of Congressman Jody Hice, whom I won’t say I hate, but I will say I’d almost be willing to re-locate to his district so I could vote against him in November.

But it probably won’t do much good. Keep reading, and you’ll learn the sad trust as to why Jody Hice will probably get re-elected this fall.

Of the coronavirus, Congressman Hice is recently quoted with this bit of ill-timed bit of nonsense: “…there’s no evidence whatsoever” (that all the restrictions will curb the spread of coronavirus) “It’s just abusive, dictatorial, tyrannical type leadership.”

A Republican politician from the South crying aloud over dictatorial practices during the era of Trump? In 2020? Nah!

That was enough to convince me that Jody Hice is probably a Class-A, double dip douche who buys front row seats to watch The DoucheyBags play in concert with his Douche twin Republican Congressman Matt Gaetz, and then illegally records the concert so he can upload it to LoserTube because his account on DoucheTube was suspended, because he’s too much of a rancid ass-sack for DoucheTube.

And now, here’s where I tell you all the other reasons why Congressman Jody Hice is, indeed, one #BadRedApple, starting with my favorite:

In 2004, Jody Hice gave an interview to the Athens Banner Herald, in which he was asked about women going into politics. Here was Hice’s big takeaway thought on the matter:

“If the woman’s within the authority of her husband, I don’t see a problem.”

Congressman Jody Hice, 2004, Interview to the Athens Banner Herald

It appears no follow-up questions were asked. I imagine the reporter probably died of astonishment, or decided it might be better to go drink antifreeze than continue in a career where he was forced to interview snout-faced Baptist troglodytes. 

Oh, I didn’t mention Jody Hice is a Baptist, and, to all of no one’s surprise, he’s also a conservative talk radio host. Line forms behind me, ladies!

But what’s bad for the world of broadcasting is good for YouCantBeatBlue, as hosting a radio show means that Hice has a whole basket of deplorable quotes preserved for eternity. Let’s explore!

In 2014, Miranda Blue of Right Wing Watch collected some of Hice’s more memorable “quotes of stoop” and titled it, “7 Outrageous Rants From GOP House Candidate Jody Hice On Blood Moons, Sandy Hook, Women And ‘Judicial Terrorists.” Here’s where we learn how Congressman Jody Hice feels about homosexuality (like tendencies to drink or lie, being gay just becomes a part of ones “habit” or “character” if one indulges it too much), mass shootings (they’re caused by ““kicking God out of the public square”) and what happens when a blood moon falls on a Jewish holiday, which I’ve listened to now three times and still have no idea what the fuck he’s talking about

You can hit the link yourself to find out what he thinks of Muslims and transgender people. I try to stay away from getting myself involved in touchy subjects ever since I ran into Laura Ingraham at a bookstore and asked her to autograph a copy of Mein Kampf 

My WordPress account is refusing to save the draft of this post because it’s so repulsed. But I’ll keep going. There’s so much more to know about this walking rectal exam gone wrong that is Congressman Jody Hice.

(By the way, I write his full name repeatedly on purpose. I want you guys to keep this tool on your radar because this Baptist-preaching, racist, gay-hating, teeth-picking, low IQ microdick has no place in American government)

Jody Hice has a ZERO RATING from the Human Rights Campaign, The League of Conservation Voters, and Planned Parenthood. He voted NO on The Paycheck Protection Program and the Homeland Security for Children Act. Anonymous sources close to me allege he also leaves the door open when he takes a piss, wipes his snot under his desk, and smokes while he’s breast-feeding.

But here’s some unfortunate truth about Jody Hice: he’s in a very red district, and a Democrat hasn’t won there since the invention of dirt. He took the most recent election with 190,214 votes, 1,300 of which I believe came from actual living voters. He clobbered Tabitha A. Johnson-Green, who, as a Democrat in Georgia, is against freedom, large sodas, and shooting minority joggers who are out after sundown, before sundown, or right as it’s happening. She’s running again this time, but I wouldn’t get my hopes up. She doesn’t have a website, and according to the Google, has raised less than $10,000.

There’s another candidate running against Hice named Andrew Ferguson. When you look him up, you don’t even get a picture; just that generic silhouette that says, “a male person should be here.” Also, when you read articles covering his potential challenge to Hice, they’re somewhat skimpy on biographical details (“Ferguson is single and is the proud owner of Carlos, a Chihuahua.”)

I’d yank every nose hair out with fingers dipped in Dirty Dick’s Hot Pepper Sauce if it meant that Jody Hice would lose his congressional seat this November, but it’s going to be tough. I mean, if it were going to happen, it would happen this year. But his opponents don’t seem up to the task, the primary has been pushed all the way to August, and people in Georgia, well, they like people who hate them back.

So, maybe we’ll have to live with Jody Hice for two more years, and consider it a mark on our pitiful national education system that a guy who spends his leisure time at the gas station sniffing unleaded, washes his feet in the family drinking water, and believes Jesus was a tractor-obsessed good ole boy from the town of Beer Belly, is actually on track to become a three-term United States congressman.

Now I have to go out back and secure my patio furniture to a tree.